Be On Your Side
by JMHaughey
Summary: She has been right beside him. Until she isn't. The hardest part is waiting.


Happy Graduation, Ren!

* * *

**It's so hard for me  
Staying here all alone  
When you could be  
Taking me for a ride.**

- _Down By The River, _Neil Young

* * *

Everyday with the job, you never know what it will entail. In the line of work you chose, it is usually filled with dead bodies as a result of rage, jealously, pettiness and well, the list goes on. So, when this job directly effects you and the person you love the most, you automatically go into protection mode.

Right now, you are laying in your bed after a tumultuous day thinking of the squint, a mere kid, who lost his life. Yes, you are sad about that but you are grieving for her. With her. You reach your hand over to the other side of the bed. It's empty because you didn't invite your partner in. Of course, there were plenty of scenarios, plenty of ploys to ask her but you knew she would turn them down because she was rationally thinking about you. Your need for a quiet sleep so you could catch the bastard who decided to betray his country.

When the door creaks open, you sit up and grab your gun. For a moment, you forget someone is in the apartment with you. Maybe it is due to everything else swimming around your brain. Maybe it is because when you have guests they are usually sleeping next to you.

Your partner climbs into bed with you. Not the way you would have expected this to unfold. You kiss her forehead, trying to reassure her that things will get better. She gazes into your eyes, she knows you are telling the truth. You would not lie to her, especially not about something the important . She delicately traces your lips with hers. Almost testing the limits. You gently reach up and pull her head towards you. You kiss her something fierce. You never imagined this would be the outcome of the first time you made love to your partner.

In the morning, (actually, just a couple hours later) you wake up holding your partner. You do not want to move. You wish you could stay like this all day. You tell her that, but she informs you again that you have to kill someone today. You know that your rational partner is correct and it is best to get it done so no one else gets hurt.

Also, you know there is no turning back from this. Not that you want to but when you whisper that sentiment in your partner's ear she affirms your answer. You kiss her again.

Now, you are laying in bed for the first time since your partner left you. You and she have not spent a night apart in quite some time. Right now, you are so unsure when you will again.

You want to be mad. You want to scream. You want to break something. You want to drink an entire bottle of alcohol. That will not do any good right now. She left because it was the easiest thing to do. (More like the hardest.) You would have gone with her. Except that would not solve anything. You are needed here to clear her name. To get your family back.

You look to her side of the bed. You want to smell her pillow for her lingering scent. You want to sleep that side, you feel it will bring you closer. But it will not because she is not here and you are. Space.

For three months, you climb into an empty bed. Sometimes you think you feel her presence. You feel the brush of her hair against your chest, a sentimental whisper in the ear, a kiss on the forehead. But you know really, it is just a dream. You do not know where is she is but you know that she is probably wishing you were there to hold her in your arms. And for now, that is what you have.

It has been a week since your partner came back from being on the lam. The first few nights are awkward; tiptoeing around each other, holding your tongues for fear you may something truthful. You both climb into bed though you wonder if you should recuse yourself and sleep on the couch. You will not budge. You have thought about these moments for three months. You want it to go back to normal, whatever that may be.

You both refrained from the grasping each other, holding each other tight. You want to regain a sense a normalcy. This is the first night that your partner finds her way back into your arms. You are both actually sharing your side. You smell her hair, you kiss her forehead, you whisper to her. You pull her towards you. She looks into your eyes and gives her crooked smile. She burrows closer. A single small act of intimacy.

You look past her and see her side is empty because you are occupying the same space. And that is the way you hope it will always be.


End file.
